Sunday, September 28, 2008
haiz... long time haben poste... T.T
iem really dun wanna cry any more... iem dun wanna feel hurt any more... but every time i feel the gaping hole in my heart, it only longs to be filled by you...
your community involves everyone that's not involved with me...
your lan group, made up of leonard, ricky, duane, kahmeng and other guys... all of which i dont know, and leonard's not counted...
your cosplay community, consisting of karei (which i tried to talk with but kinda failed), sparten (iem can talk, but we're really not close at all), tsuki (i think he actually ignores me at times)... and the fact that i can only think up these few names already show how distant iem from you... miyuki's the same age but we dont even talk (maybe she was wearing yoo high boots the other time, or iem just afraid you get the wrong idea =.=)
i dont do things you do... i dont even see how you think...
you stay overnight at other's house... but i dont get to do that, let alone invite you to do so at my house...
you run out at whim, while my parents need to give permission...
my life is thus restricted, but yours is free and crazy... we're playing completely opposite roles now arent we...
(so many one liners)
thing is... last time you asked me to love you... i told you i'd just be your brother... only on the second time, did i accept you... wanna know what i was thinking when i did?
i wanted to protect you. to make you never cry again.
that's exactly what i thought, and i still remember it like it was only one month ago (yesterday? nah it feels like 1 month.) i wanted to protect you. to make you happy. to allow you to feel the joy that you wanted...
ironically... when you were with me we cried so much... we had our times... but... i made you angry so easily...
ever wondered why i always said sorry?
i never wanted to let you down... so whenever i did some mistake... i'd always felt like a let you down...
now?
you're happier... you have a larger social circle... much larger than my own... you're outgoing, mixing with people you dont even know, getting to know people from all walks of life...
and i'm still sitting in my classroom...
perhaps one might attribute it to "income gaps" or "technological differences"... iem stagnated... staying forever in a pool of still water, giving the same stale taste whenever iem there...
which is why i appear to be an outlet into your old self... a method in which you can return to the times when you and me were all alone together... someone to protect you always, someone who you can return though and fro, used as a form of a tranquility...
now i'm stuck here... unhelpably loving you... still doing so many absurd thigns for you whenever i have the chance... if you give me the chance...
do you remember all of our letters...? our diary...? our oaths...?
or are they void as our relationship reduces to ash, reforming from which is not a pheonix, but an eagle? (idea is that pheonix represents our relationship romantically, whereas an eagle represents how i shall take care of you as a sister...)
iem love you. by 30th october this year it will be the 2 years that i have loved you. it has never ceased. see how stagnant i am...?
anyhow. i guess it's the calling of me, to be what you need, to be what you want...
you never want me gone, but you'll never love me... or rather you do, but in a different way...
if we're together, you wont be able to be with your friends... that'll hurt you, as i can only do so much to mingle with your group... (funny though, i always wanted to try cosplaying... but i never found the money...)
sure, i'll feel left out, and even as you start to like other guys, i'll be left alone again...
we've been through so much, it feels like i've broken up with you over seven times... (figure of speech, but it might actually add up to seven, i dont know how... sure thing though it makes those people who commit suicide after one break-up look completely stupid. moreover iem asking for more) the worse part is when i i actually still love you, a love that was one sided before now becomes one sided again...
i cant forget you. period. just like a fool. just like a pawn. i cant forget you. it's different. i dont love you the way you see on american serials... or chinese or whatever.... i'm not trying it out with you... iem not playing around with emotions just to see if this will work out.
i am whole. heartedly thinking about you... (figures why i can write this looooong essay all about you. is it a thousand words? a picture paints a thousand words, so it actually discribes the picture of my life.)
i miss you. but you're not coming back. you cant.
missing the past. how ironic. if only this world was a planet with just you and me. (omg CHEESY)
oh by the way, braket words are my own opinion on my blog, no split personality intended XD
anyhow. doesn't change things as i whine on my blog... better move on with life... take things one step at a time again. perhaps someday my path shall take a step into yours. and we might have another chance at reenacting this play... once more... just once more...
i pray thee... wherefore art thou... but just lost in thy heart... to be or not to be, that is the question.
Time Of Death* 11:51 PM
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