Monday, September 1, 2008
broke up again. how amazing is it?
breaking up sucks~! once is bad enough. I'VE BEEN THROUGH IT OVER 3 TIMES ALREADY!
before i start. i'd like all to know that i may crap and feel super sad and all. but i'm just relapsing into my stupid idiotic self pitying state.
everytime you realise it's for SOMEONE ELSE! first came kiro. then came leonard, then came this. and how do i feel everytime you tell me you have a crush on someone else? a favor for someone else! SOMEONE ELSE SOMEONE ELSE! never... ever... for me...?
you always get together with me after breaking up. break up once, get together... can't blame me i feel like some stupid idiot that's either retarded or just really stupid. i'm always picking up behind you, giving you a false sense of love that you mistaken to be remnants of your previous relationship. at least i feel that way. which part of you is for real, i shall never know
i dont read minds, i never knew what you say.
i dont feel hearts, i'll never know what you feel.
i dont read lips, i'll never catch your whispers.
i dont see the future, all i do is the present.
but... what happens when you can't trust everyone? one of my lifelong attitudes is almost absolute trust in every person. i trust my friends over and over again, trusting them with my life and my full faith in their capabilities. i trust strangers, as they abide by the rules and laws, codes of honor and faith... but can i believe in you, whom claims to show love but sometimes just acts otherwise...?
you laugh while you tell me you're serious.
your friends don't understand, perhaps, but aren't they your friends, your life?
just 3 days before you told me you loved leonard
you said you loved me
3 days later
your love changed
and you HAD BEEN DATING HIM
i felt no emotion
i felt no pain while you left me.
YEAH RIGHT.
it eats at me slowly... and i can't do anything about it.
i am your friend, loyal, true and forever understanding
i am your brother, there for you in times of need.
i am NOT your toy, for you to turn to only when you have nothing else to play with
i am NOT your help line, to help you hold on to hope then leaving me to death
i actually understand your plight. i get it. but... you handled it really badly. you hurt me. and you still portray that it's perfectly logical
here's what i think.
there's never a logical reason for a one sided break up. when you break up with someone, and it's one sided, the one who initiates it may have a reason, but to the one on the wrong end, it is never valid. you may explain for years on end. and turn up with the same ending.
and why go so far as to break up in reality? so many options, no to meet me, not to speak or behave wrongly in front of HIM. but what did you choose? the one that you bloody well knew would hurt. i don't understand. maybe a reason existed, but once again...
so now i'm actually adverse to love. i can't trust you, your word, unless it is attested. trust needs to be built... and everytime you break it, it onle gets lesser...
to make me love you...? i do. i forever do. but i do so with a fear of eternal damnation. and the fact that your feelings aren't true.
i pray to all. i pray to all in heaven.
i want to trust. i want to believe.
give me a reason for doing so...
and i shall.
dong....
*i am disappointed... in you, in myself... and what i actually really need is you beside me, i need you comfort me, to talk me through. and you what? go and blog. amazing.
Time Of Death* 11:10 PM
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