Sunday, September 28, 2008

haiz... long time haben poste... T.T

iem really dun wanna cry any more... iem dun wanna feel hurt any more... but every time i feel the gaping hole in my heart, it only longs to be filled by you...

your community involves everyone that's not involved with me...

your lan group, made up of leonard, ricky, duane, kahmeng and other guys... all of which i dont know, and leonard's not counted...

your cosplay community, consisting of karei (which i tried to talk with but kinda failed), sparten (iem can talk, but we're really not close at all), tsuki (i think he actually ignores me at times)... and the fact that i can only think up these few names already show how distant iem from you... miyuki's the same age but we dont even talk (maybe she was wearing yoo high boots the other time, or iem just afraid you get the wrong idea =.=)

i dont do things you do... i dont even see how you think...

you stay overnight at other's house... but i dont get to do that, let alone invite you to do so at my house...

you run out at whim, while my parents need to give permission...

my life is thus restricted, but yours is free and crazy... we're playing completely opposite roles now arent we...

(so many one liners)

thing is... last time you asked me to love you... i told you i'd just be your brother... only on the second time, did i accept you... wanna know what i was thinking when i did?

i wanted to protect you. to make you never cry again.

that's exactly what i thought, and i still remember it like it was only one month ago (yesterday? nah it feels like 1 month.) i wanted to protect you. to make you happy. to allow you to feel the joy that you wanted...

ironically... when you were with me we cried so much... we had our times... but... i made you angry so easily...

ever wondered why i always said sorry?

i never wanted to let you down... so whenever i did some mistake... i'd always felt like a let you down...

now?

you're happier... you have a larger social circle... much larger than my own... you're outgoing, mixing with people you dont even know, getting to know people from all walks of life...

and i'm still sitting in my classroom...

perhaps one might attribute it to "income gaps" or "technological differences"... iem stagnated... staying forever in a pool of still water, giving the same stale taste whenever iem there...

which is why i appear to be an outlet into your old self... a method in which you can return to the times when you and me were all alone together... someone to protect you always, someone who you can return though and fro, used as a form of a tranquility...

now i'm stuck here... unhelpably loving you... still doing so many absurd thigns for you whenever i have the chance... if you give me the chance...

do you remember all of our letters...? our diary...? our oaths...?

or are they void as our relationship reduces to ash, reforming from which is not a pheonix, but an eagle? (idea is that pheonix represents our relationship romantically, whereas an eagle represents how i shall take care of you as a sister...)

iem love you. by 30th october this year it will be the 2 years that i have loved you. it has never ceased. see how stagnant i am...?

anyhow. i guess it's the calling of me, to be what you need, to be what you want...

you never want me gone, but you'll never love me... or rather you do, but in a different way...

if we're together, you wont be able to be with your friends... that'll hurt you, as i can only do so much to mingle with your group... (funny though, i always wanted to try cosplaying... but i never found the money...)

sure, i'll feel left out, and even as you start to like other guys, i'll be left alone again...

we've been through so much, it feels like i've broken up with you over seven times... (figure of speech, but it might actually add up to seven, i dont know how... sure thing though it makes those people who commit suicide after one break-up look completely stupid. moreover iem asking for more) the worse part is when i i actually still love you, a love that was one sided before now becomes one sided again...

i cant forget you. period. just like a fool. just like a pawn. i cant forget you. it's different. i dont love you the way you see on american serials... or chinese or whatever.... i'm not trying it out with you... iem not playing around with emotions just to see if this will work out.

i am whole. heartedly thinking about you... (figures why i can write this looooong essay all about you. is it a thousand words? a picture paints a thousand words, so it actually discribes the picture of my life.)

i miss you. but you're not coming back. you cant.

missing the past. how ironic. if only this world was a planet with just you and me. (omg CHEESY)

oh by the way, braket words are my own opinion on my blog, no split personality intended XD

anyhow. doesn't change things as i whine on my blog... better move on with life... take things one step at a time again. perhaps someday my path shall take a step into yours. and we might have another chance at reenacting this play... once more... just once more...

i pray thee... wherefore art thou... but just lost in thy heart... to be or not to be, that is the question.

Time Of Death* 11:51 PM

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Sunday, September 21, 2008

time flies. already it's but one week before the halfway benchmark in my life in a college... how fast everything you take for granted happens to pass by... but still, that only means that we have to treasure it more... to make the most use of it that we can... i haven't been doing that...

i read a quote from busou renkin recently...

in english, it translates to :
find the thing that you have to protect, then protect it with everything you've got, and find a reason to fight

many of us already have something around us that we ultimately treasure... a companion, hopefully for life. friends, for the whole journey. family, for all the times. everyone. for everything that's happened to us in our lives.

strange though, i start losing the feeling that i once convinced myself impossible to shake off... i know that i can never go against her... but somehow... somehow... it's different...?

perhaps i could be like the antagonist of code geass, lelouch... the things he does for his sister... is incredible...

we shall see... in time, everything falls into place, just like how tomorrow might never come, but yet it is just minutes away...

everything happens, maybe not for a reason. we cant control that, but what we can control, is how we actually react to various things...

like how i feel about my friends...

god bless the world, as we play on in our bewildered lives, fighting for what we feel is right...

amen

Time Of Death* 10:41 PM

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Saturday, September 6, 2008

understanding one another...?

how many times can we say that we understand what another person thinks?
how many times can we fully comprehend how another person feels?

it's not impossible but it's extremely difficult.

however, when we react, we have to comprehend how the opposite party feels...

for that, i apologise my dearest.

when i called you, i portrayed this lonely and sad figure...
true though, i did miss you.
but when i was calling you at a party, it was already insensitive of me to do so...
for me to obstruct your fun would be... selfish.

so what i want to say is... have fun my dearest =D
because someday i hope you'll return the favor too XXD

although ur phone ended up running out of battery, and i couldnt sae gdnitex =X

sometimes i hate myself for how i feel...
i know it but only makes matters worse,

how i crave for your attention
the way i long to hear your voice...
such attention often blurs the line between satisfaction and irritation...

as such, i ask for your forgiveness whenever i need your help...
you've always been trying to be there for me,
the least i can do is reduce ur burden =D

someday when you cry,
you'll see what i really mean.
but i never wanna see you cry

have fun my dearest!
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tomorrow is my form's wedding!
and

we're

going

to

CRASH!!! XD

lawls, we plan to meet her at the reception...
but we know we won't be able to enter the hall or even get a seat...
but it's amazing... we actually dont mind...
she's pretty harsh on our work,
she's mean at times...
but we're still making a big effort to be there on her wedding
uninvited nonetheless...

so a big HAPPY WEDDING DAY (wth is that)
to my teacher in charge...
promos in 3 weeks, how enthralling for you too XD

valkarian,
ha-kum~!

Time Of Death* 11:35 PM

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eww... people in this world... maybe death should be brought upon all of mankind, as when god created apocalypse...

how do you love someone wholeheartedly, care for the person?
that alone is a feat of man.
how do you perform so, when you know the person has feelings for someone other than yourself?
when all you demand is but a hint of loyalty, but all is but truth?

if there was a way of assuring my heart, it would be yours.

i'm still unstable, and i'm even more so...
you're in trouble, you're having problems...
i'm insensitively calling you, you're insensitively letting me go on.
i'm worried, you never ever tell me the whole picture.
i'm supposed to understand even though there is nothing i know about it.

i try.

today, i missed you since the moment i woke up.
the longer you are from me, the deeper my heart delves into thy self.
i call, and you're having fun.
but i'm inconvinienced, as you are.
halfway through, you call, but with the mindset to hang up really soon
i needed to stop too, so we but only exchanged few words.

i miss you.

at night, i call, only to receive the message that you're having fun.
and i'm bothering you.
but it happens, and i understand.
if i'm having the same thing, i would have expected you too as well

somehow, i fear it wouldnt work.

later, i stay up for your one message.
i call to clarify my doubts of your feelings.
but you are in trouble.
and it was as though i was a persistent idiot that wanted to pester you
calling you non-stop
making matters worse
you even had a friend step in our buisness.

why... it was just the two of us... why did you bring in someone else...

it felt like i was really useless,
it felt like i was made to be insensitive.
you don't, ever tell me what exactly is happening.
i never understand completely your problems.
you dont care about mine.

am i really that useless that someone else has to explain your intentions...?

and so... somehow... i feel really... really... sad...
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i went out today.
supposedly it was for studying, and i brought math

lesson #1:
math sucks for a starter to revision.

i was with two friends. they were always emotional people.
sometimes it's hard to be with one of them.
he tells things i can't help but just find...
slightly childish...
he goes on about the same things over and over,
and i lead him on.
the other is slightly more mature yet immature at the same time.
he's wallowing in his own problems, half of which are self created.

lesson #2:
don't ever visit esplanade with 2 emotionally challenged friends.

first time to esplanade library (ain't i outdated)
i ended up playing the entire day instead.
how productive.

anyway, i'm beat.
tomorrow's a long day~

long live code geass

have fun all...
good night my dearest.
good night my friends.

LET A NEW DAY BEGIN

Time Of Death* 1:43 AM

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Wednesday, September 3, 2008

invinc here's my theory. when a person is on the receiving end of a blow, his or her views of things undoubtedly gets blown out of proportion. which is why somethings may be blocked from the view of the one in question. both of you felt wronged.

before u flame me, hear me out.

she's adverse to vulgarities. and you used words that she was pretty adverse to. you were worried, but since when did that warrant a flaming session? perhaps it may not be flaming, but vulgarities are never nice.

you know her character, and you're really close to her. shouldn't understanding that be part of the entire process?

on her side, she misunderstood you. your words sounded like you snapped and were gonna leave her forever. she doesn't like trouble, and avoids it like the plague. which is why she over-reacts to certain things. she thought you were going to leave her invinc. her mistake

iem gonna break my no vulgarities rule.

FUCK ALL THOSE WHO EVEN THINK SHE'S A SLUT U MOTHER FUCKERSNOT EVERY FUCKING PERSON IS LIKE SLUTS, YOU THINK ALL THEY WANT TO DO IS FUCK ALL DAY FUCK YOU!

AND PROFIT??? HOW THE FUCKING SHALLOW YOU THINK SHE IS??? JUST FOR A FEW HUNDRED AND YOU MAKE NOISES?? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MAN FUCK YOU

HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU CALCULATE TILL SUCH DETAIL! I KNOW IT'S HARD TO FORGET SOMEONE WHEN YOU HAVE THEIR ITEMS BUT ASKING FOR REPAYMENT YOU KNOW IS IMPOSSIBLE IS TOTALLY A FUCKER'S DOING.

there.

when our vision is clouded, we are unable to think in a rational manner. invinc. i hope you forgive and forget. it's for the best. also, there is nothing in hurting evryone else with it. i'm slightly disappointed you're capable of this invinc.

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here's my main post. why do people start wars, to hurt others? to make others feel bad? if we all understood each other's reasons perfectly, then there would be no quarrels.

if he knew what she thought, he wouldn't have made certain errors. if she knew how he felt, she wouldn't have done that. why is it that our thoughts are so obscure to us?

also, even if it is obvious, it is how we react to it that counts. she made you worried, but you immediately used vulgarities, that was your reaction. then she made a mistake. her reaction, then you started flaming her. your reaction.

it's how we act that counts, not how it turns out. and the way you handled it is really bad. pain but begets more pain. have fun everyone.
->Dong<-

Time Of Death* 12:00 AM

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Monday, September 1, 2008

broke up again. how amazing is it?

breaking up sucks~! once is bad enough. I'VE BEEN THROUGH IT OVER 3 TIMES ALREADY!

before i start. i'd like all to know that i may crap and feel super sad and all. but i'm just relapsing into my stupid idiotic self pitying state.

everytime you realise it's for SOMEONE ELSE! first came kiro. then came leonard, then came this. and how do i feel everytime you tell me you have a crush on someone else? a favor for someone else! SOMEONE ELSE SOMEONE ELSE! never... ever... for me...?

you always get together with me after breaking up. break up once, get together... can't blame me i feel like some stupid idiot that's either retarded or just really stupid. i'm always picking up behind you, giving you a false sense of love that you mistaken to be remnants of your previous relationship. at least i feel that way. which part of you is for real, i shall never know

i dont read minds, i never knew what you say.
i dont feel hearts, i'll never know what you feel.
i dont read lips, i'll never catch your whispers.
i dont see the future, all i do is the present.

but... what happens when you can't trust everyone? one of my lifelong attitudes is almost absolute trust in every person. i trust my friends over and over again, trusting them with my life and my full faith in their capabilities. i trust strangers, as they abide by the rules and laws, codes of honor and faith... but can i believe in you, whom claims to show love but sometimes just acts otherwise...?

you laugh while you tell me you're serious.
your friends don't understand, perhaps, but aren't they your friends, your life?
just 3 days before you told me you loved leonard
you said you loved me
3 days later
your love changed
and you HAD BEEN DATING HIM

i felt no emotion
i felt no pain while you left me.
YEAH RIGHT.
it eats at me slowly... and i can't do anything about it.

i am your friend, loyal, true and forever understanding
i am your brother, there for you in times of need.

i am NOT your toy, for you to turn to only when you have nothing else to play with
i am NOT your help line, to help you hold on to hope then leaving me to death

i actually understand your plight. i get it. but... you handled it really badly. you hurt me. and you still portray that it's perfectly logical

here's what i think.

there's never a logical reason for a one sided break up. when you break up with someone, and it's one sided, the one who initiates it may have a reason, but to the one on the wrong end, it is never valid. you may explain for years on end. and turn up with the same ending.

and why go so far as to break up in reality? so many options, no to meet me, not to speak or behave wrongly in front of HIM. but what did you choose? the one that you bloody well knew would hurt. i don't understand. maybe a reason existed, but once again...

so now i'm actually adverse to love. i can't trust you, your word, unless it is attested. trust needs to be built... and everytime you break it, it onle gets lesser...

to make me love you...? i do. i forever do. but i do so with a fear of eternal damnation. and the fact that your feelings aren't true.

i pray to all. i pray to all in heaven.
i want to trust. i want to believe.
give me a reason for doing so...
and i shall.

dong....
*i am disappointed... in you, in myself... and what i actually really need is you beside me, i need you comfort me, to talk me through. and you what? go and blog. amazing.

Time Of Death* 11:10 PM

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